~ What’s the point? ~

Waking up has not been easy lately. It’s the act of actually getting out of bed that seems insurmountable. I toss and turn in discomfort convincing myself that once you are up you’ll feel much better. Hours go by. I think and think. I gotta do this, I gotta do that, I gotta call her, I gotta pay this, I gotta edit this, I gotta write this, I gotta…I gotta…I gotta.

I gotta just relax. I gotta feel the wind. Smell the cut grass. Be grateful for what I have. I gotta smile more. I gotta laugh louder. I gotta rely on the people that love me.

I’ve been struggling with purpose. My long term doc, Ruth & Omar, has been emotionally challenging. Seeing someone face his own mortality is difficult. I’d rather just not. But if I listen to my heart I know that I was brought to Omar for a reason. He allowed me to stay for a reason. He tells me ‘you would be a great grandchild’ for a reason. The purpose. Not to make photos. To listen. To be still. To make Omar feel that he still has a purpose. Even though he can’t move much. Maybe my purspose is to remind him that he to has one. I asked him what he thinks about, where does his mind go when he is quiet. He says, “I think about the bible. I think about when I was a young boy and went fishing with my father. I loved to fish.”

I’m glad I woke up.

~ by kainazamaria on May 12, 2007.

3 Responses to “~ What’s the point? ~”

  1. That must be such an emotionally draining shoot… but also I’m sure you bring a light to Omar’s life, and a sense of importance, that wasn’t their otherwise. He has to face his mortality, but he doesn’t have to do it alone.

  2. Oh man, Kainaz — I’m glad you woke up, too. And glad you got a lil redemption after being challenged so. You remind me of this J. Bruce Baumann / Kalish quote I came across while Spring cleaning my place this weekend: “If you want to practice photojournalism, then do it with all of the passion it deserves.” You got the passion, and it shows / E.

  3. it happens often to all.

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